so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
