i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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