Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My penis needs a shock collar
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
