Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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