I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
