all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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