I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
