But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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