what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
