I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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