That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
