Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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