when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
