i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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