Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
