you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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