Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
