I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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