Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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