I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
How external is "for external use only"?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize