GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
