I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
