She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
