i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
