it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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