I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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