would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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