I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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