so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
