Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
