his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
