I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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