I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
