I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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