I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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