I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
