Your tits are I can't wait for
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
