I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If I had your ass I would rule the world
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
