if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
In America we eat man semen.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
