I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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