i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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