I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
