All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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