i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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