Whatcha textin bout Willis?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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