He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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