Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Let's get the cat blown out
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
