Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
