First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
