This is not my ceiling
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
