i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
