I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize