mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
