party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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