I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
