also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
