Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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