I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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