you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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