I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
