hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
