My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
